


It Takes Time- Pidge & Came Back Wrong

by the_sinnamon_roll_writes



Series: Bad Things Happen [8]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Blood, I mean the prompt IS came back wrong but eh, I'm not as pleased with this one as I was with the previous one, I'm not sure how in-character it is, Like, Pidge | Katie Holt Angst, Pidge | Katie Holt Whump, Self-Harm, it's good but idk, my poor girl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 10:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17302910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sinnamon_roll_writes/pseuds/the_sinnamon_roll_writes
Summary: This is a recovery fic to You Belong to Me Now, the work right before this. There is a trigger warning for self-harm, so please be careful if that's something that you're sensitive to.





	It Takes Time- Pidge & Came Back Wrong

Logic. That’s what Pidge was good at. Other people? Emotions? Too messy. She did much better pushing those things down until she was able to move on. Usually no longer than a few days. 

Two weeks later, and Pidge was still having a very hard time. 

Why was this so different? She had healed, physically. She wasn’t hurt. Sure, she had some scars, they all did. It shouldn’t be any harder to handle than any other injury she’d sustained in space. But it was. When she closed her eyes, she could see Haggar standing over her. In silence, she could hear the crack her leg had made when the druid had broken it. If she stayed too still, she could feel them holding her down and tearing off her clothes. 

She hadn’t been able to look anyone else in the eye since they’d broken free from the witch.

_‘I don’t need their pity,_ ’ Pidge told herself. Truth be told, that was only part of the reason why she had been avoiding them. They had seen her at her most vulnerable. They’d seen her stripped and abused and humiliated- she couldn’t bring herself face them. If they looked at her now, all they would see was her half naked and at the complete mercy of Haggar. 

Pidge couldn’t even stand thinking about it herself. She definitely didn’t want the others to think about it. So she avoided them. She avoided a lot of things, actually. Things she knew she needed- like eating and sleeping. And several things that weren’t _strictly_ necessary- like showering, or even changing clothes. She hadn’t taken off the shirt on her back since she had changed into it after leaving the pod. She knew the scars she had there, and she didn’t want to look at them. That was reasonable, right? Everyone had something about their body that they didn’t like. 

Harder to avoid were the scars on her face. 

Maybe she hadn’t been a great beauty before, but Pidge had thought she had a reasonably attractive face. Now that was gone. Permanently marred by Haggar. 

Of course, she tried to remind herself that looks weren’t everything- she’d never cared much about it before, after all. But deep down, she knew that wasn’t what bothered her. That wasn’t why she had covered up every mirror, every reflective surface in her room. She just couldn’t stand the constant, ever-visible reminder of what had happened to her. Of the violation she had been forced to endure. 

She _had_ endured. She was strong, a survivor. So _why the hell was she still on about this?_ Why couldn't she stand to be in the same room as the other Paladins for more than a few moments at a time? Why did she start to feel panic whenever she was alone? 

Maybe it was because she no longer felt alone. No matter where she was, Pidge could feel Haggar’s presence looming over her, clutching at her chest. Her body no longer belonged to herself. And it felt like just a matter of time before the witch caught her again. Haggar had broken into the Castle and kidnapped them once already. She shuddered to think of what would happen to her when that happened. 

Was this what Shiro felt? Pidge knew she should ask him. It would probably help to talk about it. But again, he had seen her at the lowest, most pathetic moment of her life, and had actually _carried her out_ of it. He’d seen her beg, whimper, cry like a baby. What was left of her pride wouldn’t allow it. 

The others noticed the change in her though. She could hear them whispering before she entered rooms and after she left. They were about as subtle as the giant cats they piloted. It made her want to scream. But there wasn’t much she could do about it. They worried over her like a group of mother hens. The constant hovering was unbearable. Whenever she left her room, Lance or Hunk would be there, ‘just passing by.’ When she was with her Lion, Shiro would stop in, because he ‘wanted to know how this thing works.’ Even Keith could be found around her more often than not. He never actually offered any excuse, and just shrugged when asked what he was doing. 

She thought that if she could go back to how she used to be, then they would stop the constant presence, and she could be left in peace. The problem was... she wasn’t sure how to go back. Sure, she remembered teasing Lance and Keith, talking tech with Hunk and Coran, trading ideas with Shiro and Allura. But that was hard to do when she couldn’t look at any of them- and when she couldn’t stop thinking about Haggar. 

Everything was hard right now. 

_‘Just suck it up!’_

Hell, she had lied before. She was an _excellent_ liar. She’d lived over a year with a secret identity, for fucks sake. She could absolutely fake it. 

So she tried. 

She forced herself to go spend time with the others in the evenings. Maybe ‘spend time’ was a little generous- she sat quietly among them and ignored every statement that wasn’t directed exactly at her. Which, of course wasn’t enough for them. They were all so needy. 

It was much easier interacting with them one-on-one. Being around Lance, Hunk, and Keith all at once was especially draining. 

“So Pidge, what’ve you been up to? We’ve hardly seen you!” Lance said, trying to sound cheerful. 

“Right. Sorry about that.” No one missed that she’d neglected to answer the question. 

“So? What have you been doing? You been locked up in your room a lot,” Hunk prodded. 

Pidge shrugged, turning her attention to a very interesting spot on the wall. She didn’t want to get into it. What she was doing would lead into how she was doing, and how she was doing would lead into discussing feelings, and feelings would lead back to that day. And she had managed to avoid that so far. A very small part of her did want to say something, but she had no idea what, and she wanted them to just forget her looking like she had- weak and horribly vulnerable- as soon as possible. 

“We just wanted to know what you’re doing. We’re all worried about you,” Keith finally said bluntly. 

“Right, because I have to tell you everything I do. Sorry for neglecting to check in with you,” she snapped. When it was clear that no one knew what to say, Pidge sighed heavily. “Sorry... I’m just a bit stressed.”

“Maybe you should go take a bath,” Hunk said gently. “That might help you feel a bit better.”

“Yeah, and you really need it.” Everyone shot Keith a dirty look, and he just shrugged. Typical. 

Pidge seemed to appreciate the candor though. She could always rely on Keith to give it to her straight. Looking down at herself, she knew that they were right. But that would require she take her shirt off. “I don’t want you guys to walk in on me.”

A crap excuse, but it was the first one she thought of. Unfortunately, Hunk seemed prepared for that crap excuse. “Don’t worry about that, you can just use Allura’s bathroom!”

There went the only excuse Pidge was even remotely willing to talk about. She had no choice now but to go along with it. Apparently Hunk was very determined to see this through, because he followed her to Allura’s room, idly chatting the whole time. She didn’t even hear half of what he was saying. It didn’t seem to bother him too much that she wasn’t replying, or that she wasn’t even looking at him. He just kept a steady stream of talk, hoping that something might prompt her into responding. He only gave up once they reached Allura’s room, where he ended with a weak, “try and relax a little.”

•••

“Oh, Allura, I managed to get Pidge into a bath in your bathroom.”

“Why mine?” 

“Cause it’s bigger,” Hunk said. He had just managed to catch her as she was walking to her room, and figured she should probably know why her bathroom was occupied. “And cleaner. and there’s less of a chance of one of us accidentally walking in on her.”

She couldn’t deny that. And Pidge deserved some privacy. It couldn’t be easy, having everyone hanging over you all the time. 

•••

But a varga and a half later, Allura really wanted to finish getting ready for bed. 

“Pidge,” Allura called through the door. “I set my hair brush on the counter by the door, I'm going to reach in and grab it.”

Allura heard something that she couldn’t quite make out, so she went ahead and cracked open the door to reach her hand in. Then she heard the crying. Allura hesitated before opening the door a little wider so she could see into the room. 

Pidge had her towel tucked under her armpits, covering everything between her knees and her upper torso. Just visible above the towel line was the Galra symbol that Haggar had seared into her skin. Pidge was staring at it in a mirror with tears on her face. Even more alarming was the blood staining the towel and underneath her fingernails. 

One of Allura’s hands came up to cover her mouth as she realized what was happening. Pidge was trying to _claw_ the brand off of her skin. Allura nearly cried herself then, because she knew that even if Pidge did somehow get it off, it wouldn’t make any difference. The damage was already done. 

Allura didn’t think. She stepped into the room and walked directly over to Pidge. Without waiting for Pidge to say anything, Allura took both of her hands and guided her back into her bedroom. She made Pidge sit down on her bed, instructing her to “wait here, I’ll be back soon.”

With that, Allura returned to the bathroom to collect some supplies to treat Pidge’s chest with, as well as some clean clothes she had set aside, with shaking hands. When she returned, she was a bit surprised to see that Pidge had actually listened to her, and hadn’t moved. She really had changed. Slowly, as to give Pidge enough time to stop her, Allura walked over to her. Before she did anything, she handed Pidge some underwear and pants, turned around, and waited until she heard Pidge hum softly. Allura turned around to see that Pidge had put on the pants, but still held the towel over her chest. She knelt down in front of her and placed a hand on Pidge’s knee. 

“Pidge, can you lower your towel a bit so I can help stop the bleeding?”

She nodded silently, and moved the towel down about a half an inch. It was enough for Allura to see bleeding scratches over the brand on her chest. Allura’s heart fell when she realized she could also see scabbed-over scratches, and what looked like burn marks around the fresh ones. This wasn’t the first time Pidge had done this. 

Neither of them had any idea of what to say. So they remained quiet until Allura handed Pidge a clean shirt to pull on, and started to turn away. Pidge hadn’t waited for Allura to turn all the way around before dropping her towel to pull on the baggy shirt Allura had given her. Although she tried to look away quickly, Allura caught a glimpse of the long, raised white scar spanning from Pidge’s collarbone down to her navel. Even though it was completely healed, Allura was certain that Pidge was still hurting because of it. Sighing, Allura straightened up and carefully wrapped her arms around Pidge’s head in a gentle hug. She was sure to wait and give Pidge plenty of time to push her away or tell her to back off. 

Instead, she felt Pidge leaning into her. Then small arms found their way around Allura’s waist. Taking that as encouragement, Allura tightened her hold and started rubbing her back. 

“Pidge,” she said softly, “do you want to sleep with me tonight?”

Pidge still didn’t say anything, but she did nod, so Allura had her lay down and covered her with a blanket before climbing in next to her. After a few moments of quiet, Pidge shifted beside her, and Allura was surprised to feel her turn and snuggle into her side. 

“Allura...”

For a moment, Allura didn’t say anything, assuming that Pidge would just continue talking. But when Pidge stayed silent, Allura answered. “Yes?”

“I feel... I want it off my body. I can’t stand it. As long as this scar is still here, I’ll be Haggar’s _property_.” The word ‘property’ carried a chilling amount of bitterness. Unlike usual though, that bitterness seemed to have some other layers to it, like she was trying to cover up whatever it was that she was keeping to herself. The slight hitch was evidence of that. “I don’t know how, but she knows where I am- like she’s just standing beside me and w-watching I do. I-I can’t get away from her.”

That was a hard one to address. Everything Allura thought was either going to be totally discouraging or invalidating. There was really no winning in this situation, so Allura just resumed rubbing her back. “She’s not here. And even if she comes back, we won’t let her touch you ever again,” Allura said after a moment. 

They both knew there was no way that she could actually be sure of that, but Pidge appreciated the gesture. Allura felt her nod into her side, and took that to mean it had worked for now. Just then, Allura remembered her mother used to sing to her when she’d have nightmares. She couldn’t recall the words, but the tune remained in her head clear as day. It was a long shot, but she was doing good, so she decided to try it. Starting quietly, she began to hum the old melody. She was very pleased when she felt Pidge start to relax against her. 

Emboldened by that, Allura continued to hum until she looked down and saw that Pidge was sleeping. And she looked peaceful, much more so than Allura had seen her at all recently. That was enough to warm her heart as she drifted off to sleep herself. 

•••

The next day, Allura was torn. Should she tell the others? Pidge had a right to her privacy, but if she was hurting herself, was it really right to let her suffer alone? Or was it commonplace for humans to hurt themselves? That didn’t seem at all right. To the best of Allura’s knowledge, none of the other humans in the Castle did that. 

What could they even do about it? 

Pidge had woken up before her- that alone was odd. Pidge never woke up early. Allura felt as though she should seek her out and talk to her about the previous night, but once again, she had no idea what to say. She didn’t even know if Pidge wanted to talk to her again. 

Discretion would be key, for now, Allura decided. And there was only one person she knew who was capable of being discreet. 

“Shiro, can I talk with you in private?” Pidge hadn’t shown up for breakfast, so Allura figured it would be a good time to get him alone. 

“Absolutely. What is it?” he asked, following her out of the dining room and into the hall. 

“It’s about Pidge. She slept with me last night,” Allura answered. “It was… odd.”

“What happened?”

“Well... Shiro, is it normal for humans to... injure themselves?” Allura asked, choosing her words with care. Her worries were reflected on his face. 

“No, it’s not,” Shiro said seriously. “Why are you asking?”

“I don’t think she wants me to say anything about this, so I’m really not sure what’s appropriate for me to share.”

“Allura, if Pidge is hurting herself, please tell me. If that’s the case, we need to get her help.”

Allura hesitated a moment, before meeting Shiro’s eyes. The urgency she saw there convinced her to continue. “She used my bathroom to take a bath yesterday. I was getting ready for bed, but my hairbrush was in the bathroom with Pidge. I cracked open the door just to reach in and grab it, but I heard her crying, so I decided to look in on her. She had- she was bleeding. She had scratched the scar- the brand on her chest. She was trying to claw it off. I don’t believe it was the first time, either. There were other marks that were scabbed over as well.”

Shiro looked crestfallen. He rubbed his forehead and took a deep breath, and Allura could practically see his hair turning whiter. 

“Okay,” he finally said. “Let’s not tell the others right now. Let me try and talk to her first. I might have an idea of how she’s thinking right now.”

“Perhaps you should tell me what to say. I don’t think she’d be very happy if she knew I told you.”

He shook his head. “No, let me try first. I promise, I won’t implicate you at all.”

•••

“So Allura told you?”

Shiro had tried to tell her that he’d noticed scratches on her chest, but she didn’t buy that. He was a terrible liar. “Fine, she did. But only because she was worried about you.”

Pidge sighed, not looking up from whatever it was she was working on. “I know. I’m not mad at her, I kind of expected it.”

She wasn’t _mad?_ This was Pidge- probably the most private person Shiro had ever met. And she wasn’t mad? If that wasn’t proof that something in her had changed, he didn’t know what was. “So? Do you want to talk about it?”

“Are you gonna give me a choice?”

“Probably not,” Shiro said with a small smile. He sat down beside her. She wasn’t looking at him, so he wasn’t looking at her. “You’ve been avoiding all of us.”

“Yeah.”

“Can you tell me why?” 

She didn’t answer. 

“Okay, can you tell me why Allura found you like she did?”

She didn’t answer. 

Shiro sighed heavily. “Come on, I _need_ you to talk to me Katie. _Please_.”

The use of her real name must’ve convinced her. Pidge set aside her project and looked over at Shiro. It was the first time he’d seen her maintain eye contact since they’d returned to the Castle. “I don’t know what to say.”

“How about just saying what you feel?”

She sighed frustratedly. “Feelings are... so _messy_. I don’t know how to... deal with them.”

“How about this. I’ll ask some specific questions. Things that might help pinpoint- help you get across whatever you need to. Okay?”

Pidge nodded. She had looked away, but she wasn’t walking out yet, so Shiro continued. “Okay. Let’s start easy. Would you feel more comfortable talking with Allura?” She shrugged, and Shiro had to take a deep breath. “That’s not an answer, Katie.”

“Not really, no. Not _more_ comfortable.”

“Alright.” That was something. “Would you be more comfortable talking to any of the others?”

He hadn’t even finished, and Pidge was shaking her head. “No, I wouldn’t. You or Allura.”

“Okay. Can you tell me why just me or Allura?”

She paused before answering. “You’re my big brother. I mean, the others are too, but they’re more like the kind of brothers you see on tv. You’re like Matt. Allura, I think cause- well, I guess really only because she’s the only other girl. Is that bad?”

Shiro was actually rather flattered, but he had to remind himself that they weren’t stroking his ego right now. “Not at all. I actually kinda figured as much. What’s making it hard to talk to us?”

This time the pause was longer, and Shiro wondered if he was going to get an answer. But she got there. “You guys... you all saw me... like _that_. You saw me n-naked and bleeding. You had to carry me out of there like that. Do you have any idea-?”

She didn’t finish, and Shiro didn’t push her to. After a minute, he spoke again. “I don’t, exactly. I’ve been... like _that_ before too, but I never had someone I know see me.”

Nothing, but she did look at him again and nodded. So he asked another question. “Do you think any of us see you any differently?”

This time she shrugged, and didn’t offer up anything else. He was four for five, so he didn’t let himself get discouraged. 

“We don’t. We all wish you hadn’t gone through that, and we’re worried for you. But you’re still the same girl who’s saved all of our asses more times than we can count.” Shiro was pleased to see that he got a small smile out of her. The first one he had seen in what felt like forever. “Katie, I need to ask. Why were you hurting yourself? I need an answer for this one.”

Pidge’s mouth opened, but no sound came out before it closed again. “I told Allura. I just- _need it off of me-_ ” she stopped to bite her lip, and Shiro was concerned to see her start to shake. Was this a normal occurrence?

“Deep breaths. You’re here, you’re with me. Haggar isn’t here, and she’s not going to get to you again. It’s safe.” Shiro was trying some grounding techniques he had found useful, and was glad to see that it was working. “Good. As long as I’m alive, Katie, she’s not getting you again.”

That was just like what Allura had promised her. And it was actually nice to hear. Knowing that two of the strongest people she knew were both looking after her was comforting. Although a part of her had already known that, it made her feel marginally better to hear it out loud. 

But that didn’t change the fact- “she’s still with me though. She’s never going to let me go.” Against her will, Pidge realized she was tearing up. Her hand went to clutch at her chest “As long as this _thing_ is still on my chest- but nothing I’ve done has worked.”

Shiro didn’t like the implications of that at all. Nothing she’d done? What all did that entail? Problem for later, he decided. “Look, I know how you feel. Believe me,” he said, squeezing his Galran hand into a fist, “I know.”

She looked over at his arm. “I suppose you do. So how do you handle it?”

“I don’t, always. You’ve seen me when I don’t. But I’ve gotten better. I’ve started to move on, and I found some things I can to do help calm myself down.”

That got her attention, and she finally turned her head to stare at him without looking away. “Like what?”

“First of all,” he said, gently bumping his shoulder into hers with a small smile, “I rely on my team to help me when I need it. When I can, I remind myself that I’m not with the druids anymore. I look around to help myself remember where I really am. When I can’t- when I’m already stuck back with Haggar- I remind myself that I survived. I was stronger than they were. Every time they broke me, I was able to pick up the pieces and get away.”

Pidge noticed that Shiro didn’t say that he hadn’t been broken, and she appreciated that. Because she had been broken. She’d completely fallen apart. Hearing him say that he hadn’t been would’ve only served to make her feel worse about herself. Granted, it didn’t exactly make her feel better, but it was something. “I don’t know if I can do that though. You’re more- capable than me. I’m just the smart one.”

That broke his heart. Shiro had never heard Pidge talk poorly about herself like that. She had some of the highest self-esteem that he’d ever encountered. In fact, when he thought about it, he could actually remember her declaring that she was just as dangerous as the others on multiple occasions. Mostly when Lance was making fun of her height. “You are so much more than that, and you know it. Even if you were ‘just the smart one’- which you’re not- how many times have you saved us all with those smarts? You’re a genius, Katie. And you’re just as strong as the rest of us.”

She didn’t look entirely convinced, but she nodded wearily. 

“Have you spoken with Coran about getting that mark off your chest?” Shiro asked suddenly, diverting Pidge’s attention. “He might have some way of doing that.”

“No. I don’t want any of you to... see it.” 

“So you’re just going to keep trying to scrape it off with your nails? How’s that been working out for you?” he challenged. Sure, a bit rude, but he didn’t want her to try it again. He hoped a little ridicule might at least make her pause the next time she thought of doing something like that. 

“No! There are other ways of getting rid of it.”

“Like what?” 

Pidge’s arms crossed, and she clamped her mouth shut. 

_“Like what?”_

She shook her head, and Shiro was considering shaking her. He had to remind himself that she was going through a lot right now- she didn’t need that. “Katie, you need to tell me what you’ve been doing, or else I’ll have to start following you around everywhere you go. Neither of us want that, right?”

“No... but I just can’t tell you.” Her voice cracked at can’t, and Shiro had a very bad feeling about that. 

“I’m not dropping this one. You need to tell me.” He remained firm, staring her directly in the eye. 

A heavy sigh and a slow nod, and Pidge started to speak. She was very quiet and was staring determinedly down at her feet to avoid his gaze. “Well... at first I thought it could make something hot enough, and just... sear it off. Make the skin around it look the same so I couldn’t tell it was there anymore.”

Shiro was looking at her with thinly-veiled horror. “No. Don’t even think about it. Even if you do manage to get rid of it, you’ll still know that the scar is there.”

“But that didn’t do anything,” Pidge continued, apparently ignoring him. “So I started trying to scratch it off. But-“ she paused, looking at her chest. “I guess it’s deep though. There’s no way I could get it all gone.”

The dawning realization that she had already been doing this to herself washed over him unpleasantly- shit, she’d tried to _burn it off_. He had no idea what to say. It was hard to admit, but right now he felt he was in way over his head. As much as he hated it, at least his arm had some practical purpose. All Pidge had been left with was several ugly reminders. But there was no way he could let her keep on hurting herself. “I- I can’t let you keep doing this. You know that, right?”

“I know.”

That was all she said, and Shiro wasn’t sure where to go from there. So he sighed and held out his arm as an offer. It took Pidge a second to realize what he was doing. When she did, she allowed herself to lean against him, and his arm came to rest on her shoulders. 

“Would it help if I said everything is going to be alright?”

“Not really. But you can say it anyway.”

He smiled. “It’s going to be alright, Katie. It’s a rough patch right now, but we’re all here to help you through it. You just need to be strong and heal. If anyone can get through this, you can.”

•••

And she tried to do just that. She pushed herself to be around the others more, and slowly started to open up again. Everyone was extremely patient with her when she was having an episode. Keith surprised them all and became the best at talking her through things. Hunk got skilled at recognizing when an attack was coming on, and Lance was best at cheering her up after the fact. When Pidge was having a particularly bad night, Coran would be there to make her some tea, and Allura always let her sleep in her bed. 

Shiro must’ve had a conversation with them, Pidge concluded, because none of them brought up anything even remotely related to Haggar. Unless she brought it up, they all let it remain in the past. And they were no longer walking on eggshells around her. Things went more or less back to normal. 

It took time. She would always bear the scars of what had been done to her- the physical scars and the mental ones. And there would always be a part of her missing, that Haggar had stolen from her. 

But Pidge recovered.

**Author's Note:**

> I've got to admit, this one is not quite up to my personal standards. I mean, I think it turned out okay, but I might end up going back someday and writing a totally different sequel fic.   
> I've got a few requests lined up that I've been working on. I keep bouncing back and forth between them rather than just focusing on one at a time. I'll be in the middle of writing one, then get an idea for a line for another one, so I'll jump over to that one, then do the same thing for yet another one. Feel free to shoot me a request or just say hi @ http://the-sinnamon-roll-writes.tumblr.com/ !


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